Appreciating Your “Real Self”

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After completing the exercises, compose a reflection blog on what you learned about your lifeline, social identities, strengths, and roles.

This week we have been reflecting and exploring our “Real Self.” After completing a series of exercises from our course text of Becoming a Resonant Leader by McKee, Boyatzis, & Johnston (2008), a unique and better overall picture of my real self was developed. Unique in the sense of combining major events throughout my life, personal and professional, with other important factors on a liner timeline that included: transition phases, highpoints, struggles, periods of achievements and regrets, career highlights and boredom, social identity and roles, strengths and areas I avoid. While I tend to naturally reflect on many of these life events for growth and development purposes, I have never combined these events and factors on one timeline; thus, producing a holistic picture. Needless to say, this experience was insightful and enlightening as I reflected deeper into real self. According to Scott Taylor (2006), “The definition of the real self takes into account the observations of self and others (p. 644). The reason this process is important is because it is an essential step (discovery) in the Intentional Change Theory (ICT) provided by Boyatzis (2006), which also includes: 1) the ideal self, 2) the real self, 3) learning agenda and plan, 4) experimentation and practice with new behaviors, thoughts and feelings, and 5) trusting or resonant relationships (p. 613). Indeed, “Effective change involves mindful awareness of who you currently are” (McKee, Boyatzis, Johnston, 2008, p. 111).

As I laid out the major events on my timeline as part of the “How did I get there?” a basic picture developed that included education, military experiences, and family. When I began including other important factors such as highpoints, struggles, accomplishments, regrets, and times I felt happy, lost, or confused, a different picture soon evolved. As I recalled many of these major events, I couldn’t help but reflect on these highs and lows (mental & emotional) and the valuable life lessons they provided. While I closely followed my dreams and asperations of coming out of high school, earning a degree on college, and commissioning into the U.S. Army, there were many bumps in the road but nothing that side tracked my direction. I believe this was due to my strong desire to leave home and create my own path in public service. Initially, I aimed to become a law enforcement officer, however, I found my place when I adjusted my sights towards military service as a military police officer. Throughout my military service, again, there were many events that provided high and low points. Yet, I was in an environment and profession I believed was important (meaningful) and suited my goals of becoming a servant leader.

Throughout my life I have experienced a handful of transitional periods. The first was graduation high school and moving on to a major university. While I was ill prepared academically, I struggled with the level of work required during my first year. Eventually, I had to work twice as hard to make up for my deficiencies at another college, but doing so provide a valuable opportunity for me to improve myself academically and to play college football. During this transitional period, I was able to elevate my academic abilities to the level of making the Dean’s List for six consecutive semesters. Furthermore, it provided the situation in which to mature and prepare to enter the Army ROTC.

A second transitional period occurred as I prepared to enter the Army as a commissioned officer. While I continued to mature and grow during my final years in college and Army ROTC, as a junior leader with no military experience, one is rarely prepared for the demands that awaited. Putting my noise against the grindstone and learning from my NCO’s, I began to feel my way through military life and responsibilities. This period was very important as it laid the foundation of my service and leadership aspirations.

A third transitional period occurred when I got married. By this time, I had established myself as a leader in the Army for ten years and I arrived at a point where I was finally prepared to embark on a long-term relationship. My wife, Erica, also a military leader, provided a balance that I avoid for so long. Up until this point, I was mainly concerned with my career duties and responsibilities. Erica introduced another side of life that I was not accustom to. In other words, I had to learn to be in a relationship other than my military career. This was a welcome transition and continues to fulfill my desire to be a better person; to include being a father and husband.

As I moved on to the “Rhythm of my Career” exercise, it clearly represented my desire for public service. In high school and throughout college, I did not work for any significant amount of time. Instead, I was determined to gain real world experience(s) in law enforcement, so I volunteered and interned with my local police department, sheriff’s office, and the U.S. Marshal’s service. Looking further down my career path/timeline, it showed the demands of military service as I moved from one position of leadership to the next every 2-3 years. During my time in service, I rarely found myself in a bored state as I enjoyed the constant activity of moving across the country, leadership challenges, professional growth/development, and combat deployments. This high tempo of living suited me as a single young man and it feed my desire for achievement. Since I have been retired from active duty and now have a family, I have immersed myself in my graduate program and family obligations. This situation brings upon two conflicting feelings. The first is the lack of meaningful career responsibilities. The second is the meaningful opportunity to enjoy family responsibilities and self-development (investment) through education. Nevertheless, there are times when it is necessary for me to take a step back and reflect on the importance of family and education that will inevitably pay off in the long term and not rush into a career that will force me to balance work and family priorities. Furthermore, I realize how fortunate I am to have such a dilemma.

During the “Social Identity and Roles,” I laid out many of the groups and roles I belong in and how they affect me. Of the listed identities and roles, being a father is at the top of the list. Second is being a husband, followed by being a veteran (military police). These identities and roles play a significant role in who I am and the values I exercise. Each of these, respectively, provide its own driving force and purpose in my journey of becoming a better person and leader. The other identities and roles listed involve me due to my situation, circumstances, or activities, however they are subordinate to my top priorities as noted above.

Another important aspect of this process was to identify “Strengths I see in Myself.” After reflecting on this and the many major events throughout my life (and timeline), I would say that being able to preserver through adversity has been a significant strength. While there have been instances where I reached my culminating point during turbulent events, I have always been able to focus on the way ahead through reflection and sometime will alone. Another strength I believe is noteworthy is my comfort with testing my limits and living outside of my comfort zone. I have always enjoyed challenging myself in many areas just to identify my own shortcomings. Moreover, I have been fortunate to have good people around me to provide their guidance and mentorship. I believe this is also a strength. By creating meaningful relationship with others I consider to be great examples of leaders, parents, teachers, and “good people” overall, I have been able to tap into their experiences and perspectives to better understand myself and my direction. This leads to some of the feedback that I have received from others as far as what strengths they have recognized in me. I have had many people (on many occasions) express their awe when they realize where I came from (humble beginnings) and the dysfunctional environment that I grew up in. Many have noted how my drive and focus has provided the fuel to preserve and overcome many challenges (social, economic, developmental). Career wise, superiors, peers, and subordinates have also noted through feedback that my consideration for the welfare of others was important to them. Also, the pragmatic approach I take towards working through issues; thus, fostering trust and accountability.

Now as a retired veteran and graduate student with a young family, I find myself in a position of being more selective with the people and activities that require my time and effort. In other words, I limit my exposure or outright avoid unproductive and superficial activities and relationships that are not in-line with my immediate priorities of family, school, and future career goals. By becoming more aware of ideal self and real self, I feel that I am better able to accurately evaluate the conditions that separate meaningful relationships and activities with those that are not. This process is constant and continuously improving as it mirrors the same highly active process of learning more about myself and others.

References

Boyatzis, R. E. (2006). An overview of intentional change from a complexity perspective. The Journal of Management Development, 25(7), 607-623. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/10.1108/02621710610678445

McKee, A., Boyatzis, R., & Johnston, F. (2008). Becoming a Resonant Leader (8^th ed.). Harvard Business Press.

Taylor, S. N. (2006). Why the real self is fundamental to intentional change. The Journal of Management Development, 25(7), 643-656. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy.libproxy.db.erau.edu/10.1108/02621710610678463